Ever in my life–I have only stalked one man.

(A fact that I am rather proud of….)

And if you’d met this dude, seriously–you’d have stalked his ass too.

 

However, my foray into the seamy underbelly of stalkulation was short-lived–and was ended by my being attacked by bees. Long story. Don’t ask. After that, I decided no man was worth anaphylactic shock.

Besides–I could never quite get comfortable in the role. The voice of my father always rang in my ears saying, “You don’t need to chase after nobody.” In later years, the wisdom of those words squashed any urge I had to leave 87 messages (spaced exactly 45 seconds apart) on a former lover’s voicemail.

You don’t need to chase after nobody. 

It’s so, so true. And if you ARE chasing–or slowly walking behind somebody everywhere they go–then for the love of self-esteem….STOP!  If you have to chase after somebody in this day and age of instant communication–then there is a 99.997% chance they want you to leave them the fuck alone. Because nobody–let me repeate–NOBODY is too busy to send a quick text.

‘sup?’ takes like nanosecods to peck out on a Blackberry.

Why would you wanna be with somebody who couldn’t be bothered to devote a nanosecond to you?

Fuck em’.

You don’t need to chase after nobody.

Trust me. As auh-mazing as this person may seem–they still sit down to shit like everybody else. And their shit isn’t fairy wings and gold coins. It’s just shit. You can find another motherfucker who shits AND calls you back.

 

The only other alternative theory is that you need to sit your ass down somewhere. Because the problem might not be them. It could be you.

Gasp!

I know. I know. You’re just dabomb dot com. Who in the hell WOULDN’T wanna be with you, right?

Wrong.

If you’re calling/texting/hiding in bushes/hunched down in your car watching them through a pair of Bushnell Powerview 20 x 50 Porro Prism hunting binoculars/breaking into their apartment to sniff their drawers and see what’s in their fridge–just because you can’t possibly conceive of the idea that someone might not want to spend all of their waking hours basking into the warm glow of your presence…..well….

Ummm….now that I think about it. (nervous laughter)

You know what? They’re a fool.

You just keep on keeping on.

I’ll be over here.

 

 

 

Making sure this blog doesn’t contain any of my personal contact information….